I Never Thought

 This month, my moving forward feels like I'm wearing concrete boots.  I was off to a good start because my sister and I booked a trip to Germany in May.  But as soon as I hit the anniversary of MH's first surgery, and pictures of "On This Day" (over the years), it came to a halt.  I saw pictures of him right after the surgery with a big smile on his face.  I never thought that seeing that big smile was going to become very infrequent in the near future.  We thought that with that first surgery, our troubles were over!  Immediately after surgery, his brain started moving back across the midsection that it had crossed when the tumor took up all the space.  It was like he was returning from a lost world. He was given his life back.

We had no idea there would be a second surgery.  The doctor said he would never need another surgery.  But the small remnant that could not be removed because it was too near an artery was not destroyed by radiation.  I had no idea that he would die before 4 years had passed.  And neither did he.

So I've been going through this "I never thought" mindset.  I never thought when I took him to InstaCare that last time that he was in the last 12 days of his life.  The countdown had started, and I didn't have a clue.  When he was discharged from the hospital after 3 days, I never thought he would be dead in 9 days.  There were so many things that I never thought.

#meningioma

#Ineverthought

Time Marches On

Tomorrow will be 4 months since MH died.  Sometimes, it still feels like it was yesterday.  There are very few moments when my mind isn't going over the many details of the last 35 years.  I am examining all the moments that led us to where I am today and trying to put them in a place of acceptance and peace.  Yes, there are instances when the "would of/could of" thoughts get hold of me, but I'm glad to say it is minimal.  I am recalling the many good years, and not just the last years and months that were so difficult and painful.

Two days ago, I had some permanent outdoor lighting installed.  I was really excited to get it installed. Then, it was so much fun playing with the app and discovering all the possibilities of fun (and functional) light patterns.  Once I got it all figured out, I realized I felt joyful.  Did you notice those adjectives?  When I realized how I was feeling and how long it had been since I felt those emotions, I knew I was in a good place and moving forward.  Time marches on and so do I.

The "Gift" That Keeps On Giving

 I must admit that I will not feel the least bit of sadness to see the end of 2025.  This has been the worst year of my life.  It started early when we got the news that MH's residual tumor was continuing to grow.  He had the option to NOT have the surgery, but the thought of it growing in his head was what compelled him to get it removed.  

A craniotomy is a big surgery for someone his age, or any age, really.  He knew it was there, and he knew in 5 years he would reach the age where the doctor would no longer operate on him. He didn't hesitate; he said he wanted it out.  The doctor said to think about it, and the surgery scheduler would be calling in the next week, and he could easily decide to not have the surgery, and that would be fine.  He never waivered.

I didn't want him to have the surgery.  I knew there would be a "penalty" to pay.  It had been 4 years since the first surgery and there was FINALLY some improvement to our lives.  But I told him it was a big decision and I would support whatever he wanted to do.  I shed many tears knowing another surgery was coming.

Twice, he told me he made the wrong decision, and it broke my heart both times, but especially the second time.  After surgery, he was in the ICU.  The nurse was doing all the things they do after a big surgery.  He was having incredible pain in his right eye, saying his eye felt like it was going to explode.  He said, "I made the wrong decision. I didn't think it was going to be like this."  Since I'd gone through this once already, I knew that problems that crop up in the first hours would often disappear within 24 hours, and this was no exception.  I was relieved.  

His recovery was uneventful EXCEPT that he was having delusions.  This happened with the first surgery too.  That time it went away once they decreased the strong steroids that were helping prevent seizures.  This time, they put him on an antipsychotic because the delusions were longer-lasting and more frequent.  As the drug took effect, he stabilized and was no longer delusional. But after he came home, I was still texting the doctor that the delusional thinking was showing up.  At one point, he said he didn't know why this was happening and thought maybe a psychiatrist needed to be consulted.   After a few more days, things settled down.  In hindsight, the hydrocephalus was set in motion and would not be diagnosed until it was too late.  It was the beginning of hell for both of us and the last two and a half months of his life.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go down this memory path, it just happened.  My point is that 2025 kept throwing down broken glass that we both were forced to walk on.  So I got through all the emotional, psychological, and physical trauma that was awaiting us.  For my birthday, MH was released from the return to the hospital and discharged into Hospice.  For nine days, I supported him and witnessed his suffering.  I did everything I could for him, but that was nothing compared to the damage happening in his brain from the hydrocephalus.  One day, for a short period of time, he was lucid and we had the gift of a few minutes to really talk.  He told me he didn't want to die.  He told me the decision to have surgery was a mistake.  And I told him I forgave him for everything that happened because now we knew what caused the anger and violence.  We were able to say a few other things, but I knew he was relieved that I forgave him.

So I made it through his death and the things that happen after someone dies.  I did what needed to be done, and I did it quickly.  I made changes in the house, removed his clothing, etc.  I learned how to mow the lawn, adjust sprinklers, maintain the water softener, change furnace filters,  and all the things he normally took care of on a routine basis.  After several months, my annuity finally kicked in, so I thought I was ready to move forward.  I was playing pickleball, joined a quilting guild, and had just signed up for a yoga class.  I made it through the whole summer on my own and welcomed September with the hope that 2025 had no more surprises for me. Ha! I should have known better.

Long story short, Covid decided to visit me.  It was the first time I was sick and alone.  I wasn't panicked, but I was definitely concerned.  Now I'm at the tail end of that and feeling pretty good.  But I can't help but wonder, what's next?  2025 has been the "gift" that keeps on giving.  Ugh!

Decisions

 I've made a few decisions, just small ones.  Even though they are small, it feels like it is in a forward direction.

I decided to hire a neighbor to mow the lawn.  I don't mind doing it, but I greatly mind when I have to do it in full sun and heat.  I am getting pretty good at mowing, but weed-eating is still a challenge.  The biggest part of which is the weight of the weed eater.

I called to get an arborist to look at my 4 trees to see what their problems are.  The newest, two really big cherry trees, were planted in April. It was the last project MH and I took on that didn't immediately go sideways.  The appointment is this afternoon.

I am going to start a yoga class next Thursday.  I think it will help with my balance issues.  My doctor said she'll refer me to balance therapy. All I need to do is let her know when I want to start.

I invited a new friend over.  I've played pickleball with her for some time now, but this is the first time I've invited anyone over.

Baby steps...

Movement

 It has been a few days since I posted anything.  I guess that is a good sign, indicating nothing is such a problem that I have to get it out.  I'm trying to decide if I will continue this blog. No one is reading it anyway.  I have so much ahead of me....

Eureka!

 After two and a half months, many unanswered phone calls, and the frustration of not knowing when (or how much) my annuity would provide, it finally came through!  This is a huge relief!  I feel a lightness and joy knowing that my financial future is secure.  It came as a total surprise.  I log into my banking account every morning, and yesterday I had a big surprise.  All the back pay amounts were deposited.  It is not lost to me that it is a huge blessing that MH was able to provide me with this security.

Sobbing Tuesday

 Well, Tuesday was a pretty useless day unless you count sobbing from frustration as accomplishing something.  Today should be better since my sister is coming and spending a week with me.

I'm still trying to get someone to talk to me about my annuity.  No one can get through the phone line, and they do not return calls. I've been trying for weeks. I can't get through online either.  So frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!